I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
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