Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
