Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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