I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
