please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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