You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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