I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
