i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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