why didn't you poke me back
What a fucking waste of an outfit
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
