God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
