oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
