so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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