im six kinds of drunk right now
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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