You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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