I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
