Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
