the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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