I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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