I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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