Pappa wants mamma naked
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize