She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
