just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
