You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize