So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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