fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
