We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
