I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Vodka?
Forever.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
