Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
