I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
