The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
