I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
So apparently I’m into choking now
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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