I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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