TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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