If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
