Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
