I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
