is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
