Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
