i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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