Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
