I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
