he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
