Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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