I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
This is my gift to your gina
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
