First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize