Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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