i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
