My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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