I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck