i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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