I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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