Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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