there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I love you.
Bad choice
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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