I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
