I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
