I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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